My husband, Joe, is the co-owner of a small business, 12th End Sports Network (TESN.US). His business partner is Brian.
My husband is a curler. He had me learn to curl a few years ago also, as he loves it so much. It has become a family sport. He and one of his curling friends created 12th End Sports Network. They webcast curling events, and have created a way for curling clubs to webcast their leagues weekly, both through live viewing and archiving the games. They have brought U.S.A. Curling Nationals in to the homes of viewers across the country, and my husband has been "the voice" of the webcast as he commentates the events.
The hardest part of my year is when he walks out the door to spend more than a week away from me. His business requires that he travels to where the event are taking place. It seems when he is gone for those 10 or more days, that everything that can go wrong does... and I am here holding down the fort. It is not an easy role, and it is one I fought against every being put in. It is one of the reasons I didn't tell him I had feeling for him the moment I realized I did. I spoke to him about my feelings prior to my first "I Love You". I had told him that I couldn't be in a relationship that would require my husband to spend long periods of time away from me. The fact that my heart already LOVED him won out.
It hurts my heart every time he leaves. I suffer from anxiety, and as we are planning for his trip, I can feel the anxiety increase more and more. It doesn't help that my husband is an insulin dependent diabetic, and he is not the best at eating right. My grandfather passed away due to this. It is scary knowing he is so far away, and I cannot care for him.
Another reason my anxiety is heightened is because many people in my life have lost loved ones while their loved one was traveling away from home. I know it is an unusual number, and that in reality, my husband is fine. However, I still have the ones who passed away while RVing, traveling abroad, etc, in the back of my mind. I have memories of loved ones rushing to find a flight to go get their loved one who suffered a heart attack and is now in the hospital in another state. I have watched loved ones struggle to make arrangements to bring loved ones home. I sit there with the knowledge that I am home, not making any money, and I do not have a credit card (as my identity was stolen a few years ago), and I have health issues, so if something was to happen to Joe, I would have NO WAY to go to him. I have no control over the situation. I haven't met the people he works with while he is away, other than Brian, and I have no finances while he is gone. I feel trapped, and I am alone. Most of the time I cannot even talk to him. The lasy 2 years he has not even been able to Skype me once while away on his trips. It is a very scary situation to be in. I hate that I feel this way, and have tried to work through it, but his long trips away are never going to be easy. I hate them, and I feel the tears in my eyes, and my heart begins to race,and it is hard to swallow when I think of him leaving me again for another "business trip". It is even worse when I know he has left. That is when the full panic attack sets in. I get sweaty, my heart races, my stomach turns in knots, my hands shake, I feel like I could pass out, I get a funny taste in my mouth, I feel hot all over... and I have to breath through it until he returns.
That being said:
As a faithful and supportive wife I still encourage and support him. I pack goodie bags and care packages for Joe, and his business partners, and his volunteers. I do my part, even if I do it with tears in my eyes. My job, as his wife, is to love him, and to support his dreams. I want my husband to reach his goals and to make his dreams a reality. I plan surprises for him, and try to have surprises waiting for his return. I pack love notes and cards. I hide gifts in his bags. I wait for his phone calls.
Today I am reaching out to all of my AWESOME readers to help me show my husband support.
My husband is up for a Streaming Award for his webcast. The broadcast with the most votes will win an HD Camera, which would greatly benefit my husband's small business. I am asking for all of my readers to cast a vote for 12th End Sports Network by going to the link, selecting their business, voting by clicking "3", and filling in the few required boxes. I only takes a moment. It is quick. It is easy. And it would greatly benefit my husband, which is also a huge favor to me!!
My husband helped me to set-up this blog, to keep me from going stir-crazy while I am home with my disability. This blog is a way for me to tell my truth, to get my story out. I appreciate every one of my readers. I appreciate my husband for always supporting me. Please help my husband, vote TODAY!
Voting closes on June 30th. Thank You!
My children are amazing. I am a Bonus-Mom to Jasmin, A step-mom to Joseph,and Mom to Maya and Lorelei. All of my children have big hearts, and are filled with empathy. They want to help and love those around them. I am so blessed!
My daughter, Maya, is 11 yrs old and is in 6th grade. She likes to watch YouTube videos, and was watching one about sneakers. It was titled something along the lines of, $2500 sneakers vs $40 sneakers. At the end of the video the guy asked kids to write to him (a comment) and he would give a pair of the $2500 sneakers to someone he felt was deserving.
Maya wrote him. You have to understand, my kids are not kids that get everything they want. Last summer they got to a week long summer camp for the first time, and it was only a half day thing, we don't spend money on activity after activity. Sports are rare. New clothes that are not hand-me-downs are rare. I went through a divorce, was a single mom, then remarried a man who has also suffered through a divorce. Finances are tight. They don't get the biggest, shiniest, and best of everything. They get what we can afford. I always put my kids needs first, so they are always cleanly clothed, and well fed.
As I was saying... Maya wrote him in his comment section. She told him that she would really like a pair of those sneakers, not for herself, but for her mother. She went on to explain that I had been facing health issues and having multiple surgeries, and she didn't have money herself to surprise me, but if the shoes were sent they would be a surprise for me. She stated that she thinks I would be happy with such a surprise, and maybe the shoes would lift my spirits. She was a little girl begging for a chance to gift her mother with something she knew her mother could not afford, and even if she could, would never buy for herself.
This little girl could have asked for a pair for herself, but she asked for a pair for me, her mom. Let me explain what took place. You see, I monitor Maya's YouTube account, but hadn't been quite on top of it for a week. Maya does not know how often I check, and she knows she has to behave on the internet, and at any given moment her mom or Poppy (step-dad) will check what she has been up to. So, after Maya posted the comment of wanting the shoes for her mother she was then facing a week worth of replies from other people on YouTube before I saw because I had been so busy that I had neglected to snoop on her sooner.
I took Maya shopping for dress shoes during that week, knowing her chorus concert was in a few days, and knowing that her old shoes no longer fit. When we were at the store Maya kept saying, "Are you sure, Mommy? You aren't working right now, and you don't have to spend the money on me. I can wear my black boots. You need new clothes more." And I continued to reassure her that she should be getting new shoes, and not to worry about me. She thanked me with the biggest smile, hugs, and gratitude at the end of our shopping trip. Little did I know, my sweet, innocent child was holding a secret that was causing her pain.
The next day I did a "computer check" while she was at school and checked out her YouTube account. She had a few alerts. Maya's comment about wanting the sneakers for her sick mom was definitely noticed by other kids and teens on YouTube, and they were not kind. They all bashed Maya, telling her that her mom was an adult and should go and buy her own sneakers. They told Maya that she was lying, that her mom didn't have surgeries, and that her mom was fine. They stated one mean comment after another. Poor Maya then responded to their comments stating that I did have a recent surgery and it had something to do with my intestines. Maya went on to say that she was only 11 yrs old and did not know all of the details, but that her mom went to the Emergency Department frequently, and had a bunch of surgeries recently, and was now home from work. Maya kept defending herself time and time again. People said, "The shoes are mine" and then told Maya how she could "go fly a kite," basically.
One person even told Maya that tons of people die every single day, so no one cares. No one cares why she would wanted the shoes, and no one would care if her mother died. My heart broke for my child. How could another child be so cruel to anyone? Who was raising this child to bash another child's dreams, and to tell a child that her mother was worthless, that the death of her mother would not matter. Death wasn't something my children thought about before, but now my daughter was questioning whether she would lose me. I signed on to YouTube, I defended Maya. I told everyone how special my daughter is for thinking about some one else first. I explained that Maya was extremely truthful, and that they were all cruel. I then had a talk with Maya....
I had to tell Maya to ignore the hatred and the online bullying. I told her not to respond any further to anyone on that thread, that she need not defend herself further, as we know the truth, and none of their words mattered in our real life. Joe and I told her how much we love her. We told her how proud we are of her.
Maya is an amazing little girl, getting High Honor Roll and always trying her best, even when faced with stress such as her parents' divorce, moving to a new town and school, and a mom with health concerns. It has not been easy for my kids. Maya keeps a sunny disposition through it all. She is so genuine and caring. When Maya smiles, her dimples get so deep that you just want to snuggle those cheeks, and you cannot help but smile too.
The fact that people are trying to break her makes me very upset. I must raise her to be strong, but not to lose her empathy for others. I am Raising three Wonder Women, and one Super Man. I teach them strength emotionally, and through fun physical activities, like Tough Mudder. More important, I am teaching them to LOVE with their whole heart, because this is true strength.
In raising my Maya as a Wonder Woman, I am teaching her to be sweet, yet strong. I want her to always hold on to a piece of that innocent side. People often tell me that I still seem innocent, or even choose to call me naive, though I am not. That innocent side will remain important throughout her life. It will make people feel safe, as she will seem approachable, and will shine a light that will draw others closer when they want to escape the dark. People will want to know more about that light, and she can show them how God has worked in her life, and how he works through her.
Maya's strength will not just show physically. Maya has already begun to turn the other cheek and walk away. Maya is learning that not everyone's opinion matters, and that she is stronger than words. When she is faced with an obstacle, in life or in Tough Mudder, her job is to conquer that obstacle. She can, and she will. She must not quit or back down. Someday, she will make every one of her dreams a reality.
While Maya is being sweet, and strong, her job is also to be caring and to build others up. This is what will make her a true Wonder Woman. As Maya is climbing and reaching her goals, and conquering obstacles, she will not be leaving others face down in her dust. No, Maya will be building steps for them to climb along beside her. Maya will be educating others in how to do what she has already accomplished. Maya will teach. Maya will Lead. Maya will succeed and help others do the same.
I am Raising Wonder Woman. I am her Mommy...
In the words of Dory, "Just keep swimming". It is my Every Day. One foot in front of the other... it is a daily struggle. Remaining hopeful is a lot of hard work. Keeping a positive attitude is ever more difficult. I hear, "You have such a positive attitude," and I think, "If they only knew". My husband and I both know it is not what it seems.
Just last night my husband had to once again dry my tears. I had a procedure done on Friday. It had only been 3 days since the procedure, but it was still so frustrating. The surgeon went in and looked at my sigmoid resection, and found then incision site to be intact and it healed well. So, it was ruled out as part of the problem. It looks to be all muscular. They injected Botox, the highest allowed dose, into my rectum and colon to try to relax the muscles. My abdominal pain has been extremely intense the last 2 days, and it hurts to sit.
I am feeling even more frustrated. Every time I have had to see a new doctor, a new surgeon, they repeat the same tests that I already had. They start from scratch. They want the tests run their way. On Friday, I met with my surgeon just before the procedure. That is when she informed me that she was leaving the practice and I will have to follow up with a different doctor, one of her colleagues. I may have to start over once again, and I have had nothing but set-backs. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am sad.
My kids, my husband, they are what keeps me going. I look at my amazing husband and think about how unfair this is to him. We have been married for such a short time, and in that short time, I decline more and more. The tears flow with this knowledge. He deserves endless happiness. Joe looks at me at times like I am a precious treasure, and I can't help but wonder, "Why?" because I feel like a huge burden. I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for my husband, and for my children. I look at the handsome face of my amazing husband, and I think of how he deserves EVERYTHING! He deserves so much, and I feel as if I may be failing.
Everyone tells me what an awesome attitude I have, while I sit there and think about all of the ways I am not enough, and then have to battle those negative feelings. This wonderful, sweet, handsome, genuine, loyal, man loves ME! I am blessed beyond words to have this man in my world. Joe's arms calm me when I am feeling overwhelmed. Joe's touch, when he brushes hair off of my forehead, or strokes my neck, leaves me feeling safe and comforted. Joe is my safe place. I am not as always as positive as I seem. Very often I am loss.
I am looking in to BCIR surgery, to see if I can be a candidate. I feel like I am a puppet hanging from it's last frayed strings, and if this is not going to be a possibility I may break in to a heap on to the floor. The thought of spending the rest of my life this weak, and this broken... it is not who I am. I was the Tough Mudder. The mother that takes on the world, the one every one called Wonder Woman. Each day I slip further and further from the woman I use to be.