“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while
loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu
I love him more than words can say. He is my daily strength, and my daily courage.
Every day I continue to struggle. I try to keep positive, and not focus on the negative, but the last few weeks have led to increased depression. I went to my doctor, and reported on the anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and depression. I do not want to live in a depressed state. I know that my husband allows my depression to weigh on him. I tell him that it is not his fault, and that he cannot fix it, but he takes ownership anyway.
I feel this way because of my history. I feel this way because of my present physical state. I accept the happiness that surrounds me, but the my present physical pains and symptoms allow the depression to creep in. I have never been a person who has had a happy, easy life. I have had to fight for every morsel of joy. I don't know how to explain to others that I am the happiest I have ever been as far as family and relationships go, but the most depressed I have ever been over finances and my inability to provide for my family. Every ounce of additional stress placed on my husband weighs even heavier on my heart. I feel the need to be independent, to be able to care for my family. Joe feels the weight of my illness also. His strength allows him to carry that weight.
Joe shows incredible strength every day. A little over a year ago, when I felt the fear of impending surgeries, and how it might cause stress on him, I asked him if we should postpone our wedding. He reassured me that no matter what, he wanted to marry me. He said that no ileostomy bag could scare him away, and he will be able to be my strength as I struggle through getting well. I find my courage through him in return.
My amazing husband works full-time, providing for all of us. Joe is also building a business on the side, in hopes that he will be able to make future dreams realities. Most recently Joe started taking a college course, to help build a new skill set, so that he will have an even stronger resume, not that his resume isn't amazing as it is. Joe just continues to find ways to better provide for all of us. I am so proud that he is mine. You are never too old to learn something new!
I have never met a man with more strength or more courage than Joe. He went from a small family, of just him and young Joseph, to building a relationship with me, and my 3 daughters. He celebrates with me upon life's UPS, and he has offered me strength through all of life's DOWNS.
Soon I will be having a surgery, which will forever change my body. He will never have a wife that can go back to her bikini wearing, care-free days. He continues to celebrate my body, and is not afraid of the changes to come. His strong shoulders are what support me as I shed tears. His arms wrap around me and revive me, making me feel grounded once again. His encouraging words chase away the whispers and fears that echo through the corners of my mind. His love gives me hope.
These are the reasons it is so hard to be away from him. The strength and courage his love provides is like oxygen. I need him, and I want him by my side, more with each passing day. Some people choose to tell me, that after so many years of marriage that feeling will pass. I don't know how it ever could. I never want those feelings to pass. I married Joe because I knew that I could spend the rest of my life committed to him.
This isn't one sided. I know that Joe needs me too. I provide him with strength and courage. I pray that he will always need me just as much tomorrow as he does today, if not more.