I have been broken. I have been broken many times over, and at times I feel as if I might shatter completely.
The World has not been the friendliest of place for me. I have had my moments where I have felt worthy, and loved, and human. Those moment seemed so few until recently. I had always thought the good moments should outweigh the bad, that life should not be continuously uphill. I believed that the journey should be more flat, with some hills to climb up... I am still climbing.
If it weren't for my amazing husband, I would be falling apart. He holds me together. Before him, I am not sure how I made it this far.
Today, I sit here physically broken due to health concerns. Yet, that is not what is on my mind. I take that back. Health Concerns are ALWAYS on my mind, as the pain doesn't go away. The symptoms don't stop. Yet, today, I have been attempting to push all of that to the back of my mind. I have been trying to figure out how to formulate that last 37 years of my life in to a blog. How does one use her life stories to help others? How does one put in to words every thing her heart feels daily, and has felt in the past?
I was falling asleep last night, feeling sorry for myself. I felt weak once again. I got out of bed and slipped off to the bathroom. There I stood and looked in the mirror. I started touching all of my physical scars, the ones I could see. I ran my fingers along the newer ones, the ones that still itched daily, and cause me so much discomfort. I looked at the redness of some of the scars, and the purple screaming neon signs of the rest that state,"you are imperfect". I AM IMPERFECT! We all are. My body is covered with scars from countless surgeries, and yet I am still physically broke.
Emotionally, I have had a lot of healing to do in my life time. I am probably the strongest I have ever been emotionally at this moment. I have a thousand struggles every single day, but emotionally, I am in a better place that I have been in my past. I fight each battle daily with my Knight-In-Shining-Armor, Joe, by my side.
I examined my emotional scars last night before drifting off to sleep. I noticed something as I peered closer at them. I had been broken a million times over. I have been the victim of abuse, rape (more than once), bad relationship, financial hardships, bullying by countless people, poor self-esteem, poor choices, miscarriages, a dysfunctional childhood, loss, and so much more. I have been BROKEN. I have been knocked down, shoved to the ground, stomped on, and put down. I have been BROKEN. My flesh has been literally torn and left bleeding. I cried out for help and no one came to my rescue when I was young, and emotionally that left me more broken than just the acts of my abusers had.
Look closer though. Look at all of the areas in which those breaks are visible. Look. Do you see? I am not put back together like one would put the handle back on a broken coffee mug. There is no glue dripping down, leaving an unsightly scar. I am not weaker from being broken. I am STRONGER. I am more beautiful. I am not glued back together with some cheap glue, hastily grabbed from a junk drawer, just to get the job done. Every piece of me that has been broken is put back together with gold. That area of my soul is stronger, more durable, than ever before. Those broken pieces have become the most valuable pieces of who I am.
Those broken pieces have taught me to be a loving mother, attentive to my children's emotional health, physical health, and every one of their dreams. Those broken piece make me a better wife. My first marriage broke me, but I was put back together with gold. I have learned how to give to my second husband in a selfless way, he is then able to see my commitment, love and devotion daily. I am able to make my husband feel like the King that he is. Together we have created a strong marriage, which may not have happened if I had not once been broken. Those broken pieces have made me a better friend, giving more of myself. I am empathetic and sympathetic. I am sensitive, yet strong. My past broke me, and made me stronger for it.
God knew that life would have to have some rough patches in order for me to shine his light. When I shine his light, it glimmers off of all of the gold that pieces me together. I did a little research today, knowing that once I had heard of pottery being repaired with gold. I found out, that in Japanese art, broken pieces of pottery are often repaired with gold. This is called Kintsugi. Kintsugi treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, that each object has a story to tell. Because of this, breakage and repair is not seen as something to hide, it is something to be celebrated. The history of the object adds to it's beauty. I am BROKEN and REPAIRED with gold.
Time to purchase my own Kintsugi from my Amazon store! I need my daily reminder of what beautiful is!