Keep Swimming

In the words of Dory, "Just keep swimming".  It is my Every Day. One foot in front of the other... it is a daily struggle.  Remaining hopeful is a lot of hard work. Keeping a positive attitude is ever more difficult. I hear, "You have such a positive attitude," and I think, "If they only knew". My husband and I both know it is not what it seems.

Just last night my husband had to once again dry my tears. I had a procedure done on Friday. It had only been 3 days since the procedure, but it was still so frustrating.  The surgeon went in and looked at my sigmoid resection, and found then incision site to be intact and it healed well. So, it was ruled out as part of the problem. It looks to be all muscular. They injected Botox, the highest allowed dose, into my rectum and colon to try to relax the muscles. My abdominal pain has been extremely intense the last 2 days, and it hurts to sit. 

I am feeling even more frustrated. Every time I have had to see a new doctor, a new surgeon, they repeat the same tests that I already had. They start from scratch. They want the tests run their way. On Friday, I met with my surgeon just before the procedure. That is when she informed me that she was leaving the practice and I will have to follow up with a different doctor, one of her colleagues.  I may have to start over once again, and I have had nothing but set-backs. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am sad. 

My kids, my husband, they are what keeps me going. I look at my amazing husband and think about how unfair this is to him. We have been married for such a short time, and in that short time, I decline more and more. The tears flow with this knowledge. He deserves endless happiness.  Joe looks at me at times like I am a precious treasure, and I can't help but wonder, "Why?" because I feel like a huge burden. I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for my husband, and for my children.  I look at the handsome face of my amazing husband, and I think of how he deserves EVERYTHING! He deserves so much, and I feel as if I may be failing.

Everyone tells me what an awesome attitude I have, while I sit there and think about all of the ways I am not enough, and then have to battle those negative feelings. This wonderful, sweet, handsome, genuine, loyal, man loves ME! I am blessed beyond words to have this man in my world. Joe's arms calm me when I am feeling overwhelmed. Joe's touch, when he brushes hair off of my forehead, or strokes my neck, leaves me feeling safe and comforted.  Joe is my safe place. I am not as always as positive as I seem. Very often I am loss. 

I am looking in to BCIR surgery, to see if I can be a candidate.  I feel like I am a puppet hanging from it's last frayed strings, and if this is not going to be a possibility I may break in to a heap on to the floor.  The thought of spending the rest of my life this weak, and this broken... it is not who I am. I was the Tough Mudder. The mother that takes on the world, the one every one called Wonder Woman. Each day I slip further and further from the woman I use to be. 

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