The True, silly, AWKWARD Me...

​Today I pulled an "Elisa". There is no other way to describe the moment. I was working in the backyard. I was working on the garden, and Joe was was working on the patio pavers not far from me.

I am known for being a bit klutzy. OK, very klutzy. I like to think fall gracefully. Lately, with my stomach issues my balance is even more "off" and I am making a bigger fool of myself quite regularly. 

A while ago I realized that every time I hit the hack while curling my balance was severely compromised. I would "fish tail" out of the hack, and then the last time I curled, I fell every single time I pushed off out of the hack. This was complete with a Bambi sprawl one of the times out of the hack.  I had to clear my head and overcome how embarrassed I was to be falling on the ice. I have anxiety, and it was building up worse and worse. That was the last time I curled for season. My doctor may have recommended an hour or two of physical activity a day when pain would allow it, but there was no was I was going to do such in front of others again.

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Now, back to the garden. Earlier this week, I had a moment where my stomach and back pain were manageable and I just wanted to feel productive, and get outside. I never know how much time I have with decreased pain, so I use it to the fullest. 

I had decided to pull out the over-grown ivy vines that had been planted on the back of the house, long before my husband had purchased the house 8 years ago. They were left to grow wild, and grew beyond the rocks that bordered the little garden area, down the hill, and overtook much of the grass on the hill. I had ripped at those vines until I had no strength left.

Today, my husband bought me rose bushes to plant inside that rock walled garden, and grass seed to spread where the grass should be. I had a few remaining vines to pull free before either could take place. Some we quite large and deep. I pulled and pulled. My husband was near by, earbuds in his ears listening to a podcast while filling the spaces between the patio pavers with sand. And then it happened... a complete "Elisa". The root broke and I flew backwards, head over heels down the hill, over the downspout of the gutter, over the little red bush (breaking one of it's branches) and flat on my back. 

My husband glances up when he hears the commotion that was beyond the sounds of his podcast. He doesn't make a move. He pulls out one of his earbud, and asks, "Are you ok?" half-heartedly. I remained there laughing. He stuck his earbud back in, and with the shake of his head, went back to work. I laughed harder. This made me think...

This man, has been come so accustom to my clumsy ways, that he barely responds at times. This is not because he does not care, it is because he realizes I am OK. I am just being me.

The other day when I dropped my amazing KitchenAid mixer on my big toe, he came running. He heard the bang, and my cry, and he didn't waste a minute. The 15 lbs of solid metal mixer made a nice large "THUD" has it hit my toe and then the floor. Joe grabbed me an ice pack and took care of me. I told him that I needed some space due to my pain and embarrassment, he left the kitchen calling: "Are you sure you will be OK?" from the living room where he had retreated to give me the space I had requested. My husband is amazing. My mixer is amazing too! It still works. 

Today, I brushed myself off, noted that my butt felt bruised, and then returned to tearing out the remaining vine roots. I then began to dig the holes for the rose bushes, thinking about what had just taken place. I kept laughing, reviewing the whole scene in my head. Joe kept glancing up at me, shaking his head. I laughed harder. Heck, I am laughing now as I type this. You see, I kept thinking that this silly, silly, wonderful man LOVES ME! He truly loves me. He has known me for over 20 years, and a year ago we joined our families together in to a beautifully blended family of 4 children and 2 adults (4 adults when his parents visit for the summer). Joe has known all about me. He knew about my health concerns. He knew about every detail of my past, my childhood traumas, rapes, and abuse by my exes. He knew my dreams. He knew my annoying habits, and he knew about all of the these silly quirks, and he still chose to marry me. All of these things annoyed my ex. All of the things that made me ME drove my ex crazy.  I am 100% comfortable with Joe, and where I would be embarrassed in front of anyone else, in front of him I am myself. I am comfortable. I am able to laugh.  Joe loves me in a way no one else possibly can.  He loves me beyond my many, many faults.  

Another man would look at me and be embarrassed by me. Another man would see me as broken. Other men have seen me as damaged, and not worthy. My ex had even said, "If you deserved love and affection, you would receive love and affection" more than once, leaving me wounded and feeling worthless. Joe has made an effort to get me to believe the opposite, showering me with love, just because... not because I did anything to deserve it.  Joe sees me as strong, and even seems to be proud to be my husband.

​At times I question how I possibly could deserve a partner like him. But then I hear him eating a pretzel rod on the couch beside me, and realize, I love his quirks too. Where any other woman would criticize his little "annoying" habits, I find them to be cute, and only love him more. Even when he is munching on a pretzel rod, or loudly gulping his drink. I love my unique, handsome, sweet husband more every single day! I am blessed that he chooses me every day.  In the words of Joe, "This is how it is supposed to be".